Home... work... home... work

Sometimes women, especially my generation and younger, are in the workplace because they bought the hype about not being fulfilled unless they have a career. Or if a woman desires to do both, she's too exhausted after work to handle all the responsibilities of the house and children as well as she would like.

Other women work outside the home because the household expenses require two incomes.  Sometimes it's because they have become used to a lifestyle of more. But if the wife's paycheck is primarily used to pay someone else to take care of the children, clean the house and mow the lawn, or to buy new clothes for the job, or for more expensive convenience foods or eating out all too often because the wife  is too tired to cook, is that extra paycheck really making a difference? Or has it brought on a whole new set of frustrations and responsibilities to deal with, at the expense of one's home life?

Most men have become very comfortable with the idea of their wives helping bring home the bacon, but too many remain in the dark ages when it comes to sharing the responsibilities of the home and/or children, which too often fall heaviest on the shoulders of the wife. Some women handle managing work and home just fine, but for me and many others, it was a real struggle.

Most of the time and preparation in our teen and young adult years is focused on education and a career. How much training do we receive for marriage, household management, and raising children? It's no wonder many experience difficulty in these areas when too much of those responsibilities is often learn by trial and error.

In my younger days I really believed the myth about having and doing it all. I had a variety of jobs through the years, but my heart kept pulling me back home with my children. Then my mind would argue that I wasn't fulfilled since I wasn't working at a paying job, so I would go back to work. Then something always suffered-- usually my home and family. And when I was back at home, I would over-commit myself to community service because I felt guilty about not working outside the home. It was a vicious cycle. I began to think something was wrong with me because I couldn't do it all and do all of it well.

I've since learned that I can do most all of these things well, but not all at the same time. Like the Bible says, there is a season for everything. Whether our work is in the home or outside of it at this time of our lives, we need to get off the guilt treadmill and come to terms with our capabilities and limitations. I learned that I function best having a part-time job, and I still have the energy and time for my family and household responsibilities.

My parents and I moved in together four and a half years ago. Five months after their arrival, my mother started slurring her words, which eventually was diagnosed as Lou Gehrig's disease. She lost her ability to speak after two years, and when her limbs started failing her last year, she felt so bad about my dad and me having to do everything for her. She even wrote me a note saying that we needed to put her in a nursing home, which broke my heart. I told her she had a lifetime of credit built up for all the things she's done for us. She was a stay-at-home mom until I was in junior high, and then she went to work in order to pay for her kids' college. All four of us earned college degrees without Mom and Dad going into debt. They always lived within their means, and their frugal lifestyle didn't hurt us one bit. I'm so grateful she chose us over a career when we were young, and when she did enter the workforce, she was good at that, too, because she put people first.

My grandson & my son wheeling their Gangy around at the Riverwalk in San Antonio

We need to weed out the unimportant, unnecessary, and unproductive activities in which we have over-committed ourselves, and learn to be satisfied in the knowledge that we are doing the best we can at this point in our lives. If we're not, that's something we can change. And if it involves children and spouse, consider their needs first and foremost. It won't be our career that stands by us in our twilight years that come all too fast; it's family and friends. So invest the best part of your time in them.

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The bulk of this post was originally written in 1999. The part about my mother was added today.

Dream on!

A group of discipline [out of shape] women decided to [go temporarily insane for a while] start walking at the high school track at 5:30 a.m. during the weekday mornings. 5:30 a.m. was still dark, and that's prime sleeping time for me, but I determined to stick it out for several weeks.

One morning the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. right in the middle of a wonderful dream with me dancing with Patrick Swayze. I rolled over and tried so hard to go back to sleep, but the dream was gone. I dragged myself out of bed, dressed, and trudged to the track where I whined to the ladies that I had sacrificed greatly to go walking with them that morning. I told them that I had been dancing in Patrick Swayze's arms just minutes before. My husband need not have worried, though. You could've driven a freight truck between Patrick and me because for some reason we were dancing the polka!

Aren't dreams strange? How in the world do our subconscious minds dream up things we would never imagine in our conscious state of mind? And how does our minds surprise or shock us in a dream, when it's our own minds thinking it up in the first place? Have you ever dreamed that you were asleep and dreaming and woke up and thought you were awake, but you were actually still asleep? I have, and it's really confusing.

This one looks like I'd just awaken from a nightmare at camp

A recurring theme in my dreams when I was young was that if water was present in any form or fashion, the dream turned into a nightmare. If we drove our car over a bridge, the bridge would collapse into the river or bay every time. If there were rain clouds, a tornado would come. In one dream a group of us kids were running around barefooted in a backyard. I ran by a mason jar full of water sitting in the lush carpet grass, and I thought it would feel so good to kick it over and step in the cool water. So I tipped it over with my toes and stepped onto the wet grass.

Doesn't that sound nice? Doesn't that sound safe enough? But the next thing I knew, I went falling through the ground like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I felt the terrifying sensation of falling, and when I opened my eyes in my dream, water was falling every direction like Niagara Falls along with me. That just wasn't fair! How could a simple jar of water turn into a nightmare? I would never have thought that up while I was awake, and yet it was my own mind that created that dream.

Some dreams we do have control over, though. Those are the dreams we have while we are awake. Everyone should have a dream to pursue in this short lifetime. Sometimes we flounder around for years not knowing what we want to do with our lives, or we take things as they come and chalk it up to fate or the hand we've been dealt. Or we sit around waiting for the lottery to hit, believing only then that all of our dreams will come true.

My mother and grandmother quilted 30 quilts during the four years Granny lived with my parents

Too many of us don't realize the power we have within ourselves, which for me is Christ, to make our dreams come true. Often times it takes hard work to attain and keep our dreams. Many of those who are living their dreams didn't necessarily have the greatest skills or talents, but they had a great will to persevere and stick with their dreams. Too many quit when times get difficult. Or we think the dream is impossible to attain when we look at the big picture. But like chores, we need to break up our dreams into manageable, achievable goals. And write it down! I can't tell you how many times dreams were accomplished after putting pen to paper.

With my grandchildren reading my daughter's and my first picture book

What will it take to achieve your dream? More education or training? Then get it. Do you need to change some habits in order to achieve your dream? Then do it. Sometimes the most rewarding times of our lives is the actual pursuit of our dreams.

What is your dream? Has it been tucked away too long in the recesses of your mind? Get it out, dust it off, and go for it. We all dream when we're asleep, but the greater dreams are the ones we consciously make happen when we're awake.

Pay it Back or Pay it Forward

Years ago I attended a week-long conference that was quite a commitment and test of endurance in San Antonio an hour and a half drive from my home town. Monday - Thursday were three-hour sessions in the evenings, and Friday and Saturday were full days. Our conference leader told us that he used to not charge people to attend, but he learned that the people were more committed to attend all of the sessions if they had invested something in it. If it didn't cost them anything, they didn't feel obligated to follow through with it.

That's often true about many things in life. How often do you see rent property go downhill in appearance and wear and tear versus a home that is owned by someone? In the small, private school where I was a facilitator, I received the most criticism and fussing from the parent whose child's tuition was paid by a generous benefactor.

I've seen firsthand how the work ethic, honesty, pride and motivation for people to improve themselves are destroyed by a government system of paying someone for nothing in return. I've seen multiple generations learn to beat the system by getting paid cash so it's not reported as income all the while they are still receiving government benefits. I've seen men come ask my former husband for jobs, and when he said he had work for them to do, they turned him down, saying they didn't want to work, but they had to show that they had made some effort to find a job in order to get their government check. I've seen women have more children in order to receive more money from the government. I've seen couples who didn't get married so the woman could get cheap government housing as a single mother, but the man lived with her anyway. A friend of mine who worked in a tax return service regularly saw people trying to cheat the system. A single mother would claim her children as dependents one day, and the next day, the grandmother would try to claim the same children as dependents.

I had several fourteen year old boys in my sixth grade class who didn't even try to learn while they were in school. They had been failed the maximum number of times and knew they would be passed on to the seventh grade. When I asked one of them how he was going to support himself if he had no skills, he told me he was going to get a check like his mother got. Several years later, I saw him standing outside the door with his girlfriend and baby, waiting for the Department of Human Services to open. He was true to his word, and the devastating cycle continued.

Government welfare was meant to be a temporary help up, not a generational lifestyle. It gets people used to living on the path of least resistance, for little or no effort on their part. When things come easy, people tend to get lazy. Working hard doesn't come natural for most of us, and being rewarded for doing nothing over a long period of time definitely doesn't reinforce good work practices.

I know a single mother who used government assistance so she could get her degree, and she was able to get a good job and support herself and her family. She's been a tax-payer and contributing citizen for over thirty years now. That's how it's intended to be used.

I get frustrated when I see students get through school by any means possible, and graduate by the skin of their teeth only to realize they have little skills to be productive citizens.

I get frustrated when I see a political party build its voting base by offering free stuff and services they don't have the money to pay for it, or extending unemployment payments instead of creating a healthy environment for creating jobs in the private sector, where the real tax revenues come from. When the biggest employers in a town or city are government employees, where is the money coming from to pay those salaries?

If a person is getting government assistance, they need to be actively involved in:

1. getting more training/schooling for a better job or 
2. self-improvement by using the public library's resources and taking advantage of any training opportunities available or
3. doing some kind of volunteer work that would take a bit of the load off the government in return for receiving a check 

Some places to volunteer include: the public schools, on the streets as a crossing guard, the food bank, nursing homes, charitable organizations.  And any healthy person can pick up trash in the parks and public areas or neighborhoods. If someone has helped you along the way, you need to pay it forward by helping someone else in need.

And oftentimes a volunteer or parttime job can lead to a full-time job when people see one's good work ethic and attempts to learn. The Bible has a lot of good common sense about human nature, and one of the principles about working says, "If you don't work, you don't eat." [II Thessalonians 3:10] and that is referring to able-bodied adults.

How long would a business last if it paid millions of its employees not to work? It'd be out of business in no time, and yet our government is doing exactly that, and they're putting half of the bill on a credit card! Paying someone not to work is like putting the carrot at the wrong end of the donkey, and it's sinking us.

Stick With It

I used to love reading Louis L'Amour books. They weren't too long, they were easy to understand, and they were inspirational. If the hero can get shot four times, drag himself across the desert, and still fight off the bad guys while rescuing a woman, then surely I can get my floor vacuumed. His books made me want to be stronger and work harder.

In my younger years, I was basically a lazy, undisciplined person. I grew up with the attitude that if something didn't come easy for me, I would have little to do with it. Or if it made me uncomfortable or didn't show immediate results, I would quit too soon.

But then my own children came along, and I began spouting all of these motivational sayings to teach my children certain lessons. I quickly realized that I had to start practicing what I preached because they were learning more from watching me than listening to me. If I expected them to keep their rooms clean, then I'd better be willing to do the same. If I expected them to stick with something until they figured it out, then I'd better show that I wouldn't give up too easily on something as well.

Math was never my strong suit, and I assumed the part of my brain that dealt with algebra was simply missing. But one day I sat down with the determination to complete an algebra problem just to see if I could do it. It took me an hour, but I did it. I realized there were quite a few areas in my life that I'd avoided because I hadn't been willing to take the time or work hard enough to figure them out.

Some years ago, starting the lawnmower was another aggravation that I gave up too easily. But with this new-found determination (and the shock that my 96 year old great aunt still mowed her lawn), I decided that no matter how many pulls it took, I wasn't going to quit until the lawnmower started. I learned that it took between twenty to twenty-five pulls to start my lawnmower. What freedom! What a sense of empowerment! I was so proud of myself, I started mowing everything in sight. After several weeks, though, my niece and nephew showed me that little bubble primer thing you're supposed to push that allows you to start the mower in one or two pulls. Oh. The little bubble primer thing. Well, I guess that saved me from having an arm like Popeye's.

My daughter and I started taking care of the library lawn when I was the library director in Cotulla, and the first time I mowed those slopes, I thought I was going to have a stroke. I'd have to go stand under a tree and pant every so often. I was proud of completing the job, but then I dreaded having to do it the next time. But I began telling myself that this was good exercise, and that a lot of people pay good money to join a fitness gym to sweat and work just as hard. Looking at it from that point of view really changed my attitude about something that started out so miserably. I began to think of it as my lawn mowing exercise program, and eventually started taking care of five yards. I seriously considered contacting Richard Simmons to do a Mowing with the Oldies fitness video, but the dramatic before and after photos would only include the lawns.

Success and failure in life truly are matters of attitude and will. The negative is either to avoid it and don't try at all or to start something and quit, while the positive is making the attempt whether successful or not, and if not, keep trying. That's the key: keep on trying.

And if you still need some inspiration and motivation to stick with it, go visit the Sackett boys.

One at a Time

I was talking to a border patrolman one day, and I asked him about his job. He shared with me some of the risks of getting hurt, and even the chance of being exposed to disease. He said he was careful to change clothes and shower before he hugged his children after work. But he also said he'd gotten to know many of the illegal aliens by name because he had come in contact with them so many times, picking up the same people over and over again.

I asked him if he ever got discouraged since there seemed to be no end in sight to the flood of people coming across the border. It looked like he was attempting to plug up a huge number of cracks with only so many fingers in a bursting dam.

He told me, "You can't look at it that way. If you do, you'll get discouraged and defeated, and you won't be able to do your job. You have to take one day at a time, one person at a time, and just do what you were told to do."

That advice really stuck with me, especially how it relates to so many aspects of my life. At times I become overwhelmed and discouraged looking at the big picture of a job, instead of breaking the job down into manageable portions and focusing on one task at a time. I used to try to find a stopping place when I first started working at the library, but would find myself working hours after closing time and never actually finding a point where I could say, "It's finished for today." Most folks think that all a librarian does is shush people, check out books, and read bestsellers all day long. Before I started working at the library, I actually thought librarians did have a lot of free time on their hands, but I learned quickly that library work is never-ending. And I eventually learned to just stop when the library closed because the work would still be there waiting for me the next day-- just like housework.

Thinking about the never-ending tasks of housework used to be enough to paralyze me into sitting down and doing nothing. But when I finally learned that filling dishwasher and wiping the cabinet only takes about ten minutes, or mowing the lawn means about a half hour of exercising, or disinfecting the bathroom or sorting the laundry takes about five minutes each, and so on, I can tackle those jobs if I focus on the task at hand instead of the whole shebang. And a whole lot of little jobs can quickly add up to accomplishing a great deal.

Charitable organizations and ministries would be crushed under the weight of the burden of helping the needy if they constantly focused on the huge numbers of people needing help. But they can't look at it that way or they'll get discouraged and defeated and won't be able to do their jobs. They have to take one day at a time, one person at a time, and do what they were told to do. And one by one, and family by family can add up to a multitude of people that have been helped.

Even in the midst of difficult or simply mundane jobs, we can still find jewels in the mud and the muck if we just keep our eyes open:

• watching a bumblebee get nectar from the wilting flowers I'm having to water for the gazillionth time this year...
• the mockingbird serenading us from the telephone pole as we work in the yard...
• the student who actually got excited about learning something we were teaching in the midst of too many other kids who think school is interfering with their social lives...
• a helping hand or a smile of encouragement during a frustrating moment or day or week...
• a comment by a reader who said my book or blog really touched them, and to tell me to keep on writing.... after I've been sitting there staring at my computer struggling to write and wondering if I should keep doing this...

You have to take one day at a time, one person at a time, one task at a time, one shovel at a time, and a mountain can eventually be moved. 

Keep Learning; Keep Improving

I'm currently reading a book called Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, another one of his books that makes one stop and think. He talked about how successful people like Steve Job and Bill Gates and the Beatles had opportunities to hone their crafts from early ages, and that he figured it involved 10,000 hours of dedicated practice to get them to their level of proficiency. Other people say that figure is debatable, but there's little doubt that excellence in any talent or skill takes a lot of time to develop.

I did a presentation at a school function yesterday in front of three adults and one child. That's the first presentation I'd done in about a year, so I needed the practice or I start to get the jitters all over again when it comes to public speaking. The last presentation I'd done before that was at a reading conference at a college in front of over a hundred people. I try to be prepared whether it's speaking to one or one hundred, and I don't rank the success of any speaking engagement based on numbers. I ask God to bring whomever needs to hear the presentation, and trust that the message was meaningful and helpful to someone there.

I told my daughter it's part of the 10,000 hours. : ) I have no idea where I am when it comes to the total of time spent honing these skills, whether it's writing or speaking, but I know that for as long as I'll be doing either or both, I'll continue to learn and try to improve along the way.

My mother worked in a bank for many years, and she made it a point to learn whatever she could while she worked there. When she finished her responsibilities, she always helped someone else finish their work. By the time she retired from working there, she could do the work in any department in the bank.   She multiplied her skills while she worked there.

Don't sit around and watch the clock when your work is done. Learn more than what your position requires. You become more marketable that way. You add new skills to your resume. Become indispensable and your boss and co-workers will definitely feel your absence when you're not there.

Keep learning. Keep Improving.

To Covet or Not to Covet

Her name was Tina, and I was jealous of her. She was petite, like her name, and wore starched petticoats that would make any square dancer proud. She had a piercing, feminine scream that could shatter glass. My limp petticoat (singular) did not stand at attention, and my scream sounded more like a male moose. But more than anything, I was especially envious because she wore cute glasses and a leg brace.Why couldn't I have cute glasses and a leg brace in the third grade? Some kids were just luckier than others, I decided.

Isn't it odd some of the things we covet throughout our lives? Somehow Tina's attitude about what many would consider disabilities didn't make us feel sorry for her, but rather desirous of what she had. And how many other folks have we known that seem to have everything going for them and were still discontent?

What is it about us that causes us to always want what someone else has? If it's not material things-- bigger house, nicer car, fashionable clothes, the latest toys or electronic gadgets-- it's someone else's looks or personality, talent or skills. Why can't we learn to be content with who we are and what we have in life?

We are visually assaulted daily by advertisements trying to convince us that certain products or lifestyles or body shapes are the secrets to happiness. Capitalism would literally crumble without the tremendous support of covetousness and self-indulgence.

My grandparents left such a wonderful example of living simple and contented lives, but I was too busy to notice. They worked hard and lived frugally; they never lived beyond their means. They didn't buy something until they had the money saved to do so, and that included new vehicles and even a new house. My mother told me her stepfather never paid more than $17 in interest his entire lifetime. That is amazing! Most of us wouldn't know how to function these days without credit cards and interest payments.

When will we get it through our thick skulls that the true source of our joy and happiness is not in material things or circumstances? My grandparents had so little of what the world considers material signs of success, and yet they seemed to be so content with life.

My friend Tina's disability didn't disable her. I actually had to start wearing eyeglasses two grades later, but by seventh grade I was too embarrassed to wear them. And I was blind as a bat without them. I didn't realize back in third grade that it really wasn't Tina's glasses and leg brace I wanted, but rather her attitude about them.

And I think that's one of the few things that it's okay to covet-- a good attitude.